Right, let's sort the buyers...
...the needy from the greedy,
and those who trust me from the ones who don't.
Because if you can't see value here today,
you're not up here shopping, you're up here shoplifting.
You see these goods?
Never seen daylight, moonlight, lsraelite...
...or Fanny by the gaslight.
Take a bag. Come on, take a bag.
I took a bag home last night,
and it cost me a lot more than £10,
Anyone like jewelry?
Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy,
It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long
Don't think 'cause these boxes are sealed up they're empty.
The only man who sells empty boxes
And by the look of some of you
I'd make more money with me measuring tape.
Â£10. Did you
BACON: Are you deaf?
That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg,
They call it walking. You want one
You do. That's it, they're waking up.
Treat the wife, treat somebody
It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught.
Hold on, you want one as well?
Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then.
It's no good standing out there
Buy them, you better buy them.
These are not stolen, they just haven't
And we can't get them again, they've changed
Here, one for you. It's no good...
...when I've sold out.
'Too late, too late.'
when the man with the bargains has
And if you've got no money on you now,
you'll be crying tears as big as
Bacon, cozzers.
BACON: Shit.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
ALAN: Ed can hustle a few quid here and there,
but his real talent lies in cards
Bacon could see that his days of selling...
...moody goods on street corners
It's time to move on and he knows it.
TOM: And I'm 6'1 ', that's perfect for
NICK: All right, you take a photo. You're catching
Look, what are you talking about? I'm
Yeah, yeah, of course you are.
Nick the Greek, always a pleasure.
Tom, what have you been eating?
I've been telling him this.. .
You two, join me in my office.
So, how much is it then, Tom?
You know how much it is, Nick.
And that includes the amp, yeah?
No, that does not include the amp.
Shit, Tom, I thought it included the amp.
Well, it doesn't.
I'll throw in one of these telephones...
...but it does not include the amp.
Very nice.
I hope it includes the speakers.
It doesn't include the speakers,
it doesn't include the amp,
and it's not supposed to...
...getting the hump with your
Now you want it, Nick, you buy it.
What else do I get
You get a gold-plated...
...as long as you pay for it.
Don't know, Tom. Seems expensive.
Seems? Well, this seems to be a
That is 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky...
...and you're complaining
What school of finance did
It's a deal, it's a steal. It's the sale of the
In fact, fuck it, Nick, I think
All right, all right, keep your Alans on.
Here's a ton.
Jesus Christ. You could choke a
And you're haggling over Â£100?
What do you do when you're not buying
Finance revolutions?
£100 is still £100.
Not when the price is
And certainly not when you got Liberia's deficit
Tighter than a duck's butt you are.
let me feel the fiber of
ALAN: The skinny one is Tom,
and he's the entrepreneur of the bunch.
He's got a couple of dirty little fingers in a couple
Nick, here, however, has made it his business...
...to have all 20 fat little fingers and toes...
...in every dirty bent and stolen pie in London.
Between the two of them, there ain't much...
...(SNIFFS)
That's my 25 grand, it's all there.
It took me a long time to earn that, so you
What about the chef?
TOM: What have you come as?
Cupid, stupid.
That's the last time I'm getting any more
Do you call that fresh?
There was more small, hairy...
...in your fruit than there
You should open a butcher's,
Well, if you will order stuff...
...don't be surprised if it picks up a
Anyway, enough about that.
Where's the money?
Oi.
Keep your fingers out of my soup.
ALAN: Soap is called Soap because he likes to keep...
...of any unlawful behavior.
He's proud of his job and even more
He represents the more sensible side of the four.
You sure you can afford 25?
That depends on how you look at it.
I can afford it as long as I see it again, if that's
Got the rest from the fat man
Fat man, Bacon and myself.
Looks like it's time to make
Who's this fat man
Eh?
Do you want a sandwich, Bacon?
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
ALAN: It's not easy to take a seat at
The amount of money involved has to be 100 grand upwards,
and there's no shortage of punters.
The man who decides whether you can play or not
Or as some, including himself, like to call him,
You got it all?
100 grand.
Well, if you got it, you got it.
Now, if you don't mind.. .
What's this Eddie like, then?
He's a fucking thief.
ALAN: Harry has a colleague, a monster of a man,
The Baptist got his name by drowning
Are you gonna fucking pay?
How are you gonna fucking pay?
ALAN: Barry makes sure the administrative side of the
The boy's got a rare ability.
He seems to make cards transparent.
He's got.. .
All right, all right, so we can say
Oh, no, he's better than good.
He's a fucking liability.
Here, hold on. What do you think
We're selling hundreds.
Very nice, Harry.
What's it for?
Oh, don't play innocent with me,
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
There's 25 from me, Tom, Soap and yourself.
That's 100 grand to the pound.
So why the fuck are you counting it?
Because I like to.
So, a reasonable return should be in the
That's for 25 grand invested, going on
Going on optimism.
Whatever it's going on, it should be enough to send
You're not funny, Tom. You're fat.
And look as though you should be,
Fat? Who are you calling... Jesus.
It's good in here, isn't it?
Handy for the tube, great electrics.
I can see why you
Don't knock it, it's cheap
And nobody wants to live next to the...
...(CHUCKLING) A bit anti-social
What do you mean?
He means they're thieving
I mean, when they're not picking peanuts...
...they rip off unfortunate souls of their
Not exactly thick, these walls.
MAN: Nice work, John. Get yourself a drink.
ls that it?
How many times do I have to
You find us a job worth doing, you'll find
Now, have you got a problem...
...(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
You know, Charles, this gear is...
...(COUGHS)
I have a strong suspicion we should've been...
...or Nobel Peace Prize winners...
...or something.
Peace Prize?
Be lucky to find your penis for a piss the...
...(DOORBELL BUZZING)
Who the hell's that?
All right, Willie?
Does it look like I'm all right?
Take this.
I'm in danger of breaking sweat
WINSTON: Charles, why have we got that cage?
Security?
That's right.
That's right, security.
So what's the point in having it if we're not
Well, I would have used it, Winston,
And Willie lives here.
Yes, Charles, but you didn't...
...until you opened the door, did you?
Chill, Winston.
It's me. Charlie knows
What's the problem?
The problem is, Willie,
that Charles and yourself are not the...
...at the best of times. So just do as I say...
...and keep the fucking cage locked.
What is that?
That's Gloria. Yes, I know
What's that?
Fertilizer.
You went out six hours ago to buy...
...and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria
Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
We need fertilizer, Winston.
We also need a money counter.
This money's gotta be out
I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it.
And if you do have to buy...
...could you just be a little more
What do you mean?
We grow copious amounts of ganja,
Yeah.
And you're carrying a wasted girl and
You don't look like your average
That's what I mean, Willie.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
How long's he been in
About 20 minutes.
He's on his own?
Yeah, just carrying a bag.
All right, let's pay him a little visit
ALAN: Big Chris settles debts for Harry.
The only thing he cares more about than...
...is his son and heir, Little Chris.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Shh.
This is one of them high-powered...
...(GROANING)
Got some bad news for you, John.
What the fuck.. .
You mind your language in front of the boy.
Jesus Christ.
That includes blasphemy as well.
Now tell me, John, how can you...
...on improving this lovely tan,
and it is a lovely tan by the way,
when you've got more pressing
Tell Harry.. .
I mean Mr. Harry,
I've been busy. I'm nearly there.
Check his locker, Son.
JOHN: I don't suppose there's any chance...
...of you lifting this sun bed up, Chris,
He's not poor.
He's got over a monkey here,
and that's just in his wallet.
Fucking hell, John,
you always walk around with that in your pocket?
Oi.
You use language like that again, Son, you'll
Sorry, Dad.
Right, well, put the rest of the stuff
You can go home in a plastic bag
You owe what you owe,
and by the time this tan's faded,
you wanna have paid.
You never would have paid.
Who would pay for shit?
Yeah, exactly. I mean we ain't
Well, what the hell are you
Why, what's up?
Let me guess. My foot in
Game of cards? Hatchet Harry?
You're supposed to be getting your
You playing cards tonight, Son?
With Harry?
Don't be silly, Dad.
I wouldn't have anything to do
HARRY: Where did he get 100 grand?
He's got some adhesive mates.
I mean they're like brothers.
They've tossed up between them.
And JD is his dad and owns the
No mortgage, no debts.
Lock, stock, the fucking lot.
Don't you worry, Harry. I've got it under control.
Good. You can get this under control now.
It seems that Lord Appleton Smythe
And these little beauties are up
But I'm not paying a quarter of a...
...if you know what I mean, Barry.
Make sure we get everything from inside
I don't wanna know who you use,
as long as they're not complete muppets.
And don't tell them what they're...
...(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Right, where was we?
Shotguns? What, like guns that
You must be the brains, then.
That's right, guns that fire shots.
Make sure you bring everything from inside
There'll be a load of old guns.
Everything else outside the cabinet,
you can keep. It's yours.
Thank you very much.
There'd better be something
It's a fucking stately home.
Of course there'll be something there.
DEAN: Like what?
Like fucking antiques.
Antiques? What the fuck do we
We rob post offices.
What the fuck do we know about antiques, mate?
lf it looks old, it's worth money.
So stop fucking moaning and rob the place.
So who's the guv? Who are we
You're doing it for me, is all you need to know.
You know because you need to know.
I see.
One of those on-a-need-to-know-basis
Like one of those James Bond films.
Careful, remember who's giving you
Right, I'm off.
Call me when you're done.
Fucking Northern monkeys.
I hate these fucking Southern fairies.
ALAN: Ed has been playing cards since...
...and he soon discovered that he had
It's not that he's good with cards or even
It's that he's good with reading people's reactions,
And everybody has reactions,
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) especially when
Invitations.
Invitations?
Yeah, invitations.
You know, four pretty white pieces of paper
Well, we've got 100,000...
...with the Queen's head on them.
Will that do?
All right, just you.
The others, they can wait next door
Samoan Jo's? You mean the pub?
Hold on.. . Hold on to your...
...and I will hold onto my patience,
No one in here tonight but card players,
Evening, Frazer. Don, Phil.
It's a bit dramatic, isn't it?
ls this supposed to be symbolic?
Apparently, it's for security.
Yeah? I'd have brought me gloves
You must be Eddie, JD's son.
You must be Harry.
Sorry, didn't know your father.
Never mind, son.
You just might meet him if you carry
Evening, Tanya, been a while.
All right, Ed?
(SCREAMING)
Right, we call each other Kenny,
All right, Kenny.
You gonna put your stocking on,
I've just spent 220 quid on...
...lf you think I'm pulling a stocking...
...you're very much mistaken.
You're gonna have to put
This is three card brag,
That means three three's are...
...then three aces, then running down
Then it's a running flush, a run, a flush
An open man can't see a blind man,
and it will cost you twice the ante to
Now don't fuck around, fellas. You all know...
...and you know I won't stand for it.
(CLOCK CHIMING)...
...(SOFTLY) What are you doing? Put that back.
We're here to rob the guns.
Put it back. It's crap anyway.
Come on. Come in.
(CHATTERING ON TV)
What sort of pub is this, then?
It's a Samoan pub.
What's that?
It's a cocktail. You asked for
No, I asked you to give me a
I wasn't expecting a fucking rain forest.
You could fall in love with an
You want a pint, go to the pub.
I thought this was a pub.
It's a Samoan pub.
Well, whatever it is, can you get your man
You can ask him if you like. lf I was you, I'd leave
Here, get rid of that. Bring
Excuse me, can you turn that TV down?
No.
(ALL WHOOPING)...
...(GROANING)
DEAN: Whoa, whoa, Kenny.
What are you doing?
I am trying to find out where they keep
You twat, can't you see these people
They can't even afford new furniture.
We've got the guns. What's the matter
Every time we do a job, you have to go
What's wrong with you?
You wanna be more careful,
You very nearly took my man's head
You all right, Kenny?
10 grand, blind.
20 grand, open.
Deep end, eh?
Fold.
BARRY: Gotcha.
20 grand, open.
I'll fold.
Don't go spending that all at once, boy.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, bloody hell.
What?
I thought you said there'd be no staff,
Did you get those guns?
You wanna see what they did to
Gary. Gary.
I said, did you get those guns?
Yes. We got them.
Good. I'll speak to you later.
Gary, if you can hear me, get back in the car
Barry. Barry.
Fucking Southern shandy-drinking...
...(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)
Give me my money.
Give me back my money, you fucking snake.
You give me my money.
Give me back my money.
Wankers.
Come on, you. Not now, please.
Oh, you fucking bastard.
(EXCLAIMING)
You bastard.
Oh, my good God.
We'll take you to the cleaners.
20 grand, open.
Â£30,000.
Back to you already, Eddie.
50 grand.
80 grand.
100 grand.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Look, fellas, I know.. .
I know you're not in.
Which means no one cares...
...250.
That's quite a raise.
That's 150 on my 100.
Yeah, and is there anything else
As you know, this puts us in an
I don't have enough to continue.
We will have to see both your cards...
...if no one loans Eddie the money to continue.
It's a loan or we see both your cards.
I will.
You will what?
I will loan you the money.
No, I think I'd rather just turn them over.
I'm not interested in what you
I wanna keep going.
I'm also offering you the money.
So we don't have to turn them over, because
I need 250 grand.
No, you need 500 grand to
That's if l want to see you.
Well, you're gonna have a problem
I'll see you.
Okay, before I loan you this
I expect, if you lose,
my money back within a week.
That's Sunday, okay?
ls that it?
Now let's see his fucking cards.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)...
...(RETCHING)
Hello, boy. Feeling a bit
I know your friends are responsible...
...for most of the cash.
So, I'm gonna give you one
Otherwise, I will take a finger...
...off each of you and your friends'
for every day that passes
And then when you run out...
...your dad's bar, and who knows
All right, my son?
This doesn't look good.
ALAN: He then proceeded to explain...
...the unfortunate position they were in.
Harry was going to start sizing up all their...
...because he knew there was no way Ed could settle
Harry saw it as their money on the table, so it was also
Ed would hate admit it,
but he could have kissed the old bastard for that.
If he said he wanted to settle the debt on his own,
Now, I wish to Christ he would have let me settle
I'm gonna kill him.
Stop fucking about, Tom,
and think about what we're gonna do.
What's all the fuss about Harry?
Why don't we just boycott the payment?
Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry.
BACON: Once there was this geezer called...
...who worked for Harry,
but it was rumored that he was on the take.
Harry's invited Smithy round for
Smithy didn't do a very good job.
Harry's lost his rag, reached out for the...
...which happened to be a 15-inch
He then proceeded to batter poor Smithy
Now that was seen as a pleasant way to go.
Hence, Hatchet Harry is a man you pay
Don't worry, I'll think of...
...(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)...
'Golf. The best way to spoil a
Winston Churchill said that.
I say it's a dog-eat-dog world,
and I've got bigger teeth than you two.
(GORDON GRUNTING)
I think our friend is trying to tell
Perhaps not. Perhaps l should take another swing
Give me a five iron,
Certainly, Dog.
Now, keep still.
Yes, Gordon, is there something you'd
It's in the fireplace.
Shut it, you idiot.
Yes, Gordon, you were saying?
It's in the fireplace. Just pull it out.
It's in the fireplace, Plank. Just pull it out.
Oh, Dog, I think you want to have
You gonna let me down
DOG: No.
I'm not finished with you yet.
Steel.
Help, help, help.
Oh, Dog.
WOMAN ON TV: It's all up to you, audience.
You have to decide, yes, you have to decide...
...(DOORBELL BUZZING) who the winner is going to be.
Who the hell's that? It's only 12:00.
Use the cage, that's what it's
Who is it?
We have got security for a
Chill, Winston. It's only Plank.
This weed's getting quite a rep,
All right? Easy. Jesus.
Never saw you there.
Hello, love. Enjoying yourself?
ls she compos?
What do you think?
Boo.
PLANK: Fuck me.
Clean that up, Charles.
Sod you. You clean it up.
Sorry, fellas, but that stupid cow scared the
Never mind. Can you just
Stay out of the way?
Look, how much is it you want?
I'm after a half weight.
Right, well, that's Â£1,500
Pass the scales, Willie.
Give us some gear, J.
Any chance of actually seeing
The odds are 100-to-one.
All as we need is 5 grand.
I'd rather put my money on a three-legged
The odds are 100-to-one for a good reason,
You won't win.
Where's Eddie?
Where do you think?
The bottom of a bottle. And has
It's hit him hard.
Yeah, it's hit us
Yeah, but he's got to tell his dad he's
Listen to this one. You open up a company...
...called Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club.
You take out an advert in the back page...
...advertising the latest in
You sell it with, I don't know,
'Does what no other dildo can do until now.
'The latest and greatest in...
'Guaranteed results or your money back.'
Now these dills cost 25 quid a pop.
That's a snip for the amount of pleasure they're
But they send their checks to the...
...nothing offensive, Bobbie's Bits, or
You take that 25 quid, you stick it in the
Now this is the smart bit.
You send back the check for Â£25 from
Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club,
'We're sorry, and we couldn't get the...
'because they've run out of stock.'
Now you see how many people
Not a single soul.
Because who wants their bank manager...
...they tickle arse when they're not
So how long do you have to wait till
Probably no more than four weeks.
A month?
So what fucking good is that if we
No, five days.
Well, it's still a good idea.
He may know we smoke a lot and...
...but he can't have any idea how much hard
I don't know. Do you know?
We can just slice it off the top.
WINSTON: You guys gotta realize who
He might look a bit silly, but he's
And if he gets the slightest inkling we're...
...then you and me are gonna know what the sharp side
So you know these geezers well?
PLANK: Well enough.
I've been buying gear off one of them for
So, what are they like then?
Poofs. Nothing heavy. Four public schoolboys.
PLANK: They ponce around in funny hippy clothes
They're just good at growing weed,
Business has got bigger than what they
DOG: Well, they can't all be stupid,
Think about it. They've got a container
They're selling class-A gear.
Don't you think there might be someone
What about security?
PLANK: There's one steel gate as you go in, but
What do you mean, never lock it?
What have they got it there for then?
I must have been there 50 times.
They're not suspicious.
Everyone who goes there's a toff.
They're all into that karma crap.
'lf I don't harm nobody, nobody harms me' stuff.
No way they can get back
Even if they could, they'd be too shit scared.
They got no muscle. Gutless faggots.
Fancy one?
What's all the flapping
You told the old man yet?
Hoping l won't need to.
I've got a plan. Now listen carefully.
Hello, boys.
Harry.
Do you want a drink?
Hello, my son, do you want a lolly?
Piss off, you nonce.
Oi. Watch it.
No thanks, Harry. We're both all right.
Nice shooter.
Yeah, one of a pair.
Holland & Holland. Do you want
No, not my thing. Thanks, Harry.
Business good? I imagine that's
Four young fellas got in deeper than
They owe me half a million pound.
LITTLE CHRIS: How much?
Half a million.
I'm game.
Me, too.
Oh, God.
Right.
We hit them as soon as they
We'll be prepared,
And they're armed.
What was that? Armed?
What do you mean, armed?
Armed with what?
Bad breath, colorful language,
What do you think they're gonna be
Guns, you tit.
Guns? You never said anything about guns.
A minute ago this was the safest job
Now it's turning into a bad day
Soap, stop being such
I've thought about that and.. .
And what exactly?
And all we have to do is find out
Carrying them? Well, they could all be carrying
No. Only one of them carries them
So I assume the same one will be...
...when they come back from the job.
Oh, you assume, do you?
And what do they say about assumption being the
It's the mother of all fuck-ups, stupid.
Well, brother, mother, any other sucker,
it don't make any difference.
They're still fucking guns, and they still
Soap, if you have a better idea...
...how to get Â£500,000 in the next few days,
In the meantime, Tom, you talk to Nick the Bubble
Weed? No, it's not
It's some fucked-up-skunk,
l-can't-think-let-alone-move shit.
Doesn't sound very good me.
No, neither me. But it depends
And the light is on and burning brightly
Anyway, do you know anyone?
I know a man, yes.
Rory Breaker.
Not that madman with an Afro?
I don't want anything to do with him.
You won't have to. Just get me a sample.
No can do.
What's that? A place near Katmandu?
Meet me halfway, mate.
Look, it's all completely
It's what? It's kosher
Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.
Yeah, well, never mind that. I'm gonna
Couple of sawn-off shotguns.
This is a bit heavy. This is London,
Who do you think I am?
I think you're Nick the Greek.
Hold those two.
I don't normally have anything to do
But if it is what he says it is,
I'll take it off him for 3.5 grand a key.
That is if it is what he says it is.
I don't want to see it after
I don't want to touch it after
I'll leave you in the capable hands
He'll sort out the details.
But just let me tell you one thing.
lf the milk turns out to
I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it.
Do you know what I mean?
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Rory Breaker.
Rory? Yeah, I know Rory.
He's not to be underestimated.
He's a funny looking fucker,
But you've got to look past the hair and the
It's all a deceptive facade.
A few nights ago, Rory's Roger iron rusted.
He's gone down the Battle Cruiser to watch
No one's watching the custard, so he
A fat geezer's north opens.
And he wanders up and turns the liza over.
'Now fuck off and watch it
Rory knows claret is imminent, but doesn't wanna
So calm as a coma, picks up a...
...walks straight past the jam rolls who are...
...and plonks it outside the entrance.
He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong...
...and switches back to his footer.
'That's fucking it,' says the geezer.
'That's fucking what?' says Rory.
And he gobs out a mouthful of booze
He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest,
and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe.
Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game.
Four-nil.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Oi.
ls your hair supposed to look
All right, short stuff?
Never mind 'short stuff.'
Listen, the next time we do...
...we're gonna want more money, Barry.
Or we're going back to post offices and
Where's the others?
There was no others.
Stop fucking around. The others,
I don't know what you mean.
There were two old guns
Where are they now?
Not in the cabinet, there wasn't.
There was a couple of old hammer-lock muskets
But they were ours, we sold them.
Well, you better unsell
We had to sell them. We needed the money.
I'm not fucking interested.
lf you don't want to be counting the fingers
I suggest you get those guns,
Jesus.
lf I pick them up, will they stay
Where'd you get them?
I got contacts.
Listen, Tom, you point them
I'll shit myself or do whatever
Either way you get the desired
Oh, they look very nice, I agree,
but they're lacking in criminal credibility,
I might get laughed at.
How much do you want for...
...Â£700 each.
What's that? A pound for every year
I know they're antiques, but I ain't paying
They're a bit long, ain't they?
Sawn-offs are out. People want a bit more
Range?
I don't want to blow the arse out of this
But I don't want anyone blowing a raspberry
I want to look fucking mean.
Of course you'll look mean.
You'll look really scary.
Anyway, enough about that.
What about this geezer who sells drugs?
Rory Breaker's standing by.
You stand to make a lot of money,
BIG CHRIS: I understand if this has come as...
...but let me tell you how this can be resolved by
Go on.
He likes your bar.
Yes?
He wants your bar.
And?
Do you want me to draw you
Look, that boy doesn't know his arsehole
This is my bar. It's got nothing to
What, and I care?
Remember, you do have the luxurious advantage...
...of being able to sustain your son's life.
And you do have a reputation, so I'll choose
You tell Harry to go fuck himself.
Now,
I'll put that down to shock.
Only once can l or shall I let you get
Your son's got three days to find half a mil.
But make up your mind which you prefer,
your bar or your son.
DOG: Plank goes in first.
There's a cage, but it's never locked.
DOG: ls it, Plank? Never.
DOG: It don't wanna be.
All right, once he's got himself set, he gets...
...(FEEDBACK SCREECHING) Now we get nasty
Shit them up, gag them, whatever.
Now these wankers shouldn't give us
But like any cowboys, there'll be a few
When the job's done, we come straight back
And Robert's your father's brother.
Everyone savvy?
ALL: Sweet.
Have a look at these.
And what are we supposed do
Put them on your head, stupid.
Christ.
lf you think I'm gonna turn up there clean-shaven...
...with a grin on my face, you got
Now these fellas, they're your neighbors.
I thought it might be a good idea to disguise
Right. Yeah, good thinking, Soap.
I brought weapons as well.
Weapons? What do you mean, weapons?
(CLEARS THROAT)
These.
(EXCLAIMING) Jesus.
Let's keep them covered up, eh?
Couldn't you have got anything a
What, like that?
What do you think?
I think you need help.
Bar steward, can we have a couple
Have you seen your dad? Hatchet sent
Oh, shit. When?
Crazy.. .
Where did you get these?
Nick the Greek.
How much did you...
...Â£700 for the pair.
Drachmas, I hope.
I'd feel safer with a chicken
These are gonna do more harm
Jesus, Tom, do these work?
Don't know. Look nice though,
I rather like them.
That's top of the list of
EDDIE: Ladies,
back to more important issues,
We have only got two
Apparently, that's what
So we find a good place to...
...we wait till it sounds like...
...then we jack-in-the-box,
look nasty and stuff, cocoon them...
...nick their van, swap the gear into the new van and
As long as we're all out of our hiding...
...it's the last thing they're
Oh, and if Tom or anyone else...
...feels like giving them a bit
I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Yeah, little bit of pain never...
...if you know what I mean.
Also, I think knives are a good idea.
Big, fuck-off, shiny ones.
Ones that look like they could
Knives are good because they don't
And the less noise they make,
the more likely we are to
Shit them right up.
Makes it look like we're serious.
Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Soap, is there something we should
I'm not sure what's more...
...the job or your past.
Come on, girls.
Where the fuck are they going?
I thought this was meant to be
Where did they get those
BOTH: Not a bad idea, that.
All right, it's Plank. ls
No. I'm afraid he's not. He's out at the moment.
PLANK: Perhaps you can help.
Well, perhaps I can't, Plank, if you
Look. lf you could just...
...so I could talk without shouting.
J: I can't help you, Plank.
I think you'll find it is in
Hold on, okay?
Look, Willie, it's Plank outside
He says it's in our interest.
Listen, I don't care if it's
He's not coming in here,
Hold on. We are in business, and...
...but that is business.
Corrected. That's a walking accident that
Jesus, he's okay. He knows only to
We're looking at at least a couple
What do you think, Winston?
Willie, this is the last time,
But you and the money are going out the back.
lf he knows you're here,
Now just clear this
What, now? Yes. Now.
Just get rid of him quick.
All right, just coming.
What the fuck is he doing?
Come on, l can't wait out
J: All right, just coming.
I thought you was gonna leave me
I didn't know you were a removals
Lives and learns, don't you?
You keep the gates locked
Sorry, gotta do business
Can't be too careful
I know. Shut it.
You say a fucking word, the
Another one, then your left.
What are you doing, Plank?
What do you think I'm
Hang on, what are you doing?
Unlock the gate. All right, I said unlock
That's it. Go, go, go.
What the fuck's going on?
Just hang on, I've got the keys.
The gate's locked. I don't believe the
What have you done to Fauntleroy?
I didn't touch him. He just passed out.
Don't just stand there. Get that
You want the world to see us?
(MEN ARGUING)
What's going on down there?
Shit.
Charles, get the rifle out.
We're being fucked.
It must be this one.
Hold that gun.
Plank, give me the keys. Give
Don't point it at me, bollocks, point
DOG: Planks of wood. I'm working with
Shit.
What the fuck is that? What the fuck's that?
It's me Bren gun.
Don't you think you could have brought something
Don't none of you slags move. I'll kill the
Who are you gonna kill, Plank? There's no...
...(SCREAMS)
They fucking shot me.
Well, shoot them back.
Jesus, Plank. Couldn't you have got
I can't see a bloody thing.
(GROANS)
Shit.
I've been shot. I don't fucking
Could everyone stop getting shot?
DOG: John, sit down and patch yourself up.
You tart, it's a fucking air rifle.
What the fuck was that?
Well, that was the Bren gun.
lf you fire that gun again,
you're a dead man. Understand? Dead.
No ifs, no buts, you're a fucking
All right, all right.
I've got the bollock ache with this. Where's
All right, now that I've got...
...firstly I'm gonna blow his toes off.
(GUN FIRING)...
...(WHISPERING) Shit. DOG: There go
Now if you want me out of here in...
...open the fucking gate,
'cause I'm gonna blow his leg off.
They're gonna fucking kill us if
Poor J will certainly get it if we don't.
I'm losing patience. Hurry up, girls.
WINSTON: lt's all right. All fucking right.
Willie, he doesn't know
Sort something out.
And all your friends, there's a good lad.
There's only three of us here.
I don't believe you. Fuck it, I'm gonna
I mean it.
It's only three of us.
DOG: Plank?
Yeah. One of them is out.
Now open the gate.
(SIGHS)...
...(GROANING)
Up, up, up. There's a...
...(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
John, get them tied up.
Plank, where's the money?
There. In those shoeboxes.
Where? Out the back.
And the weed? Out the back.
Point. With what?
Your fucking hands, now.
I'm tied up.
Well, nod your head or something.
Check it out. Plank, get Paul out...
...(BREATHING HEAVILY)...
...(SCREAMS)...
...(GUN FIRING)
Knife.
I'm gonna cut him. Make sure he
How you doing, Mick? How do you think
He's fucking nearly chopped me arm off.
Jesus Christ.
Lenny, what the fuck's been
Shut up, you idiot.
It's Hanukkah.
Well, don't just stand there.
Have you got the bags? Can
It's a lot.
I can't get Epping Forest
Can't? I don't wanna hear 'can't.'
Bollocks to can't.
You'll fit it all in if you have to
Bollocks.
You've got a ticket already.
And if you don't move it, we will
I'll only be a minute.
You've already been 15.
Look.
Come and have a look.
At what, exactly?
Well, the van's half full.
So, all I've got to do is fill it up,
put you in it.. . What?
And I'm off.
Do you think you can carry more than
I can't. My neck, Dog.
How many more bags?
JOHN: Just a couple.
Mick, you dead yet?
I'll be all right once I've dealt with
DOG: Do it quietly.
It's time I say, 'Good night,
(GUN CLICKING)...
...(SCREAMING)
Where the fuck did she come from?
(PANTING)
That is it. Tie her up. We're out of here.
What are you doing, Ed?
Do you want one?
No, I fucking don't. You cannot make
The entire British Empire was
SOAP: Yeah, and look what happened to that.
And if you think I'm going to war without one,
Going to war with what?
Have you forgotten those guns,
You won't get away with this.
Paul, what's that?
It's a traffic warden.
I can see it's a fucking
What's he doing in the back
He was gonna call the cozzers.
Fair enough, we'll deal with
How are we doing, Tom?
Right as rain.
I'm just gonna take care of
Keep us posted.
All right, mate, do you do airports?
Where the hell are we gonna
Don't complicate things. Just hide.
We're on.
Cor, they weigh a pound or two.
Shut up and back up.
(WHISTLES)
Spin round, big boy.
What the fuck?
Stay down. Stay down.
Tie them up, tape them up,
On the floor.
Bend over the fucking desk.
Keys. I want keys. Now.
I'll find you.
Course you will, sweetheart.
I'll find you.
What do you think this is, fucking
That one. Search that one.
Right, I'll see you in the van when you've
Jesus, that wasn't too
When the bottle in my arse has contracted,
Bacon, see what we've got.
Let's have a butchers, eh?
We've hit the jackpot, lads.
We've got God knows how much of this...
...a shit load of cash...
...and a traffic warden.
What?
Jesus, Ed, we got a
I think he's still alive.
He's got claret coming out of
What did they want with a
I don't know, but I don't think
Knock him out and dump him
Knock him out? What do you mean,
Knock him out with what?
I don't know. Use your imagination.
(GROANING)
Don't touch him up. Knock him out.
I'll knock you out in a minute.
Look, you want to knock...
...you knock him out.
I fucking hate traffic wardens.
It's about time you gave my young
Tomorrow's the day and
Now I can't have that, can l, Baz?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean, it's a liberty.
And I can't have a liberty taken,
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole.
And I can't have the arsehole,
BOTH: No, Harry, you can't.
EDDIE: Right, that's it. We're done.
We're off. Here, Ed.
Are you sure it's a good idea taking
Well, it's the only place we...
...and it's the last place they're
Anyway, fuck it.
The battle is over and the war is won.
Now, Tom. You take this...
...then we get rid of it quick.
It's skunk, and it's as good
All right, we'll take it.
Half price.
I don't think he'll like that.
You said 3.5 a key, and you know that's
It was yesterday I said three...
...and now it's today if I'm not mistaken.
We'll take it tomorrow, half price.
lf he wants to get rid of it quick,
he'll have to take it.
Now look,
I've got a race coming up...
...so if you'd just be kind enough to.. .
Lenny, take that round to Snow White and
They should have a gander
I want a second opinion.
LENNY: Hang on a minute, Nathan.
NATHAN: Yeah, your fucking aftershave.
LENNY: Fuck you, funny man.
For God's sake. Help me.
I'm in pain. I'm in so much
Go in slowly, Nathan.
Fuck you, funny man, you go first.
Just get the fuck in there, will you?
I want this house searched
I mean, I want it
Where's the point in that?
Even if there was a bug, they'd have
It's a bit late for you to start...
...lf it's a possibility, that's good
And when you've stripped this place,
I want every slag this side of Ceylon pulled in
I want to know who's responsible
Otherwise, I'm gonna hold you responsible.
EDDIE: Not a bad day.
That pile takes care of Harry.
What's left over?
Give me half a chance to
What about this gear then, eh?
What, you want a toke on that?
No, I don't think I want any of that
Can we lock up and get drunk
We shot one of them
What do you want, a medal?
I'll shoot you in the fucking throat if I don't
RORY: The one you shot, is he still
No, it was another one.
That's more like it.
Where is he?
Well, they took him with.
No, he's still alive.
What did you shoot him with?
Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.
You don't say.
Who could it be?
Where do we start, Rory?
Mr. Breaker.
Today my name is Mr. Breaker.
You think this is a coincidence?
This white shite steals my things...
...and thinks that he can sell it back to me.
He's got less brains than you,
Get Nick,
the greasy wop.. . Greek bastard...
...lf he's still stupid enough to be...
...(ROCK SONG PLAYING)
Your stupidity might be your one saving grace.
Uh?
Don't 'uh' me, Greek boy.
How is it your fucking stupid,
thought that they might be able to...
...and then sell it back to me?
ls this a declaration of war?
ls this some white cunt's joke that...
'Cause I'm not fucking laughing,
I know you couldn't have known my position,
'cause you're not that stupid that...
...you wouldn't have turned up here...
...with that, 'What's going on here' look...
...slapped all over your Chevy Chase.
But what you do know is where these people live.
lf you hold back anything, I'll kill you.
lf you bend the truth, or I think you're
I'll kill you.
lf you forget anything,
In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard
Now, do you understand everything I've said?
Because if you don't, I'll kill you.
Now, Mr. Bubble and Squeak, you
So we've got a bit of a problem,
Well, yeah. Yeah, we do.
Yeah, yeah, we do.
In fact, it's a little bit more than a little bit
On a scale of things, you could say...
...it's the Mount fucking Everest of problems.
And the reason it's such a mon-fucking-strosity...
...you don't even got a first idea who did
Dog, we've been up all night. lt's no one
We've had them all lined up...
...lf he was a toe-rag from out of manor,
We'd know.
You'd know? You'd fucking know?
You wouldn't know if it was the next door
Now get out there and find them. I'm sick of the
Get out of my fucking sight. You
Scarface.
I've watched Scarface.
lf you want to know how to do a drug deal,
That really inspires
This guy Rory Breaker.. .
Rory Breaker? Psychotic black
That'll be the same man, yes.
I heard about him. He's a fucking lunatic.
Well, he can afford to do the deal at the
It's not worth him giving us...
...because he knows we'll be a pain...
...and who needs a pain in the arse?
I'll take a pain in the arse for
You'd take a pain in the arse
Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder
Will you two stop flirting
After we pay Hatchet, this deal puts us up...
...nearly Â£200,000 each.
That's not bad for a morning's work,
So they had the cash.
And the puff.
Cheeky bastards.
Count it.
Shit, Dog, there's a lot. Don't you want to
We're not going next door till we've flayed
We'll count it upstairs.
I don't want them to see you fingering...
...when they walk through
But, Dog, look.. .
Give us it here, dozy bastard.
Check your guns. Get yourselves
You wait till they get right...
...then you give it to them.
Give me them shooters, you can...
...(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Yeah?
That's no way to answer the phone.
(EXCLAIMS) ls that you, Dean?
No, it's Lord fucking
Who do you think it is?
What can l do for you?
You know those guns I sold you?
Not likely, I'm afraid. I don't think I'll be
Look, I've got the money to
I'm sure you do, but I don't think
I ain't gonna be seeing them or
Can't get them.
lf we can't get them, we can't get them.
Well, you'll have to fucking get them.
Look, we made the fucking deal for everything
Inside-out-fucking-side. I don't give a shit.
You get those guns, because if you don't.. .
Oh, yeah, Bazza, or what?
Have you heard of Harry Lonsdale?
Otherwise known as 'Hack you up with
Well, this is
James Bond, need-to-know time.
When you dance with the devil, you wait
Know what I mean?
I mean, find them, torture them
And bring back what belongs to me.
Because if you don't, your family's
Who was that?
(SIGHS) That was Harry Horrible Hatchet.
Jesus, I've heard of him.
DEAN: We're in shit. They were his fucking
We've got to find them.
Now, no fucking about now, Nick. Where can
Six black cocks and a little white kitten sitting
We're gonna do a proper
I want the gray skies of London illuminated.
I want that house painted red.
(ALL LAUGHING)
All right.
There's this brass standing on
Dwarf walks up to her carrying
Winston, there, is gonna come along and see if he
Now watch out for these fellows.
They've got a bit of an arsenal,
and they don't mind using it.
And I'm taking down her panties.
Now, does everyone here know what
Yeah. Yeah.
What the fuck is going on?
(GUNS FIRING)...
...(GLASS SHATTERING)
You got something here for me,
Come on, chop-chop.
Thank you very much.
He's got the guns. Go ahead,
Why me?
You're supposed to be the
You go and get the guns.
Good boy.
Oh, get the fucking guns.
I'm not going to get the
You get the fucking guns.
You fucking.. .
(MOCKING LOUDLY)
All right, wrap them guns up.
Count the money.
Put your seat belt on.
GARY: Fucking guns.
We've got to get the fucking guns, or...
...(STARTING CAR)
So I made sure I fucked the one that...
...(ALL LAUGHING)
Get out of the car, you yuppy fucker.
(DOG SHRIEKING)
He's the one we shot in...
...ls that right, Mr. Botanical?
(GUNS FIRING)...
...(EXCLAIMING) Jesus.
I don't believe this. What the fuck has
Jesus.
The money. The gear.
This is fucked.
No money.
No weed.
It's all been replaced by a
All right, don't panic.
Let's think about this.
No, fuck that.
You can think about it. I am panicking
How did you get your hands
The boys had them.
I know you like these sort
Wondered if you wanted them.
Yeah, I'll have them.
Was it hard work getting the money?
Not especially.
Upset a few characters though.
You counted it?
Yeah. lt's all there, to the pound.
And they were gonna pay?
Looks like it, but who knows?
The opportunity was there.
In my experience, it's best to take...
...if it's there.
Good work, Chris.
DEAN: We've got to get those guns.
This is dangerous shit, Dean. We don't even
Listen, I don't care who lives there.
All's I know is that it's preferable to
GARY: Fair enough.
Let's go.
I don't think it's the right move.
It's either that, the old boy's place
I'm gonna phone him.
As if he'll care.
He'll care all right. That was supposed
Whether he cares about us or
Pass me the phone.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah?
That you, boy?
It's Ed, if that's what you mean.
Pay day, isn't it?
Yeah. I wanted to talk to you
I'll bet you do.
I've got half-a-million nickers sitting here,
which means some poor sod doesn't.
You've been upsetting a few people, boy.
But that really isn't my concern,
What does concern me is the guns you had.
And I want to talk to you about that.
So get your arse over here now,
Bastard. You fucking bastard.
Fucking bastard.
(SCREAMS)
What the fuck are you doing here?
Job well done. We made a few quid
Son?
Made a few quid, did you?
Where's what I want?
You all right down there, mate?
Very fucking funny.
Where's what I want?
I've just left it in the office.
We better go to the office
That's if you want your son to see
Now chop-fucking-chop.
All right, fair enough.
Where are you going?
It's a 30-second drive or a five-minute
And I couldn't have parked
I'd have got a ticket.
I suppose that don't matter now, does it?
Just be careful.
Right.
You and me. You and who?
You know where the door
Oh, no, not again.
That's it. I'm off.
Tom, that is our bag.
Ed. Hold on.
This is our bag.
That's it, we're off.
I'll see you in the car. I'm gonna
Tom, don't fuck about.
I'll see you in the car.
Tom. It'll only take
What is going on?
I don't know. But what I do know is...
...which means there's no more debt.
And if there's no more debt, there's no
And there's no problem with the neighbors,
And I think, if l get this right,
we haven't done anything wrong,
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Never ever has anyone ever...
...been as fucking rude to me...
...as you did.
Fucking bastard.
You all right, mate?
Cheeky bastard.
ALAN: Now this was an embarrassing position
But Chris had to respect the fact...
...that he was holding what appeared to be a pair
And Tom had to respect the fact that they
So, without anybody Losing too much face,
Tom left through a side door, and Chris left with the money.
And everybody else got arrested.
He's not one of them.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I think your dad would like a word
Where are the others?
They got out yesterday. They're
All right, Dad?
I'm all right.
How about yourself?
Oh, I'm all right.
Could do with a drink, though.
All in good time, all in good time.
So you in the clear?
More importantly, am l?
It appears so.
Appears?
You'll have to do better than fucking
Well, everybody's dead, Dad. I think that's about
How about that drink?
You know where the bar is.
Hey?
Don't make yourself too comfortable.
Alan.
You're lucky you're still breathing, let
I suggest you take full advantage
You took your time.
Where the hell have you been?
Sit down, I'll tell you.
So the traffic warden identified the...
...which sort of puts us in the clear.
The only thing connecting us with the case is
And Tom took care of them.
SOAP: You did take care of the shotguns,
I wanted to talk to you
Well, talk.
Well, actually, no.
I've got them sitting in the car.
I was gonna sell them back to Nick the Greek,
but I'm having a bit of trouble getting
You dippy bastard.
So,
the only thing connecting us...
...is in the back of your car, which is
They cost us 700 quid. I'm not gonna
And they're hardly likely to trace them
Do you really think it's worth taking
Tom, you're a dick.
Now you take those guns, and you throw them
And throw yourself off
Now, Tom.
Look, all I'm.. . ALL: Now, Tom.
Can I have a beer, please, Dad?
I'm busy. Get it yourself.
It seemed Hatchet underestimated...
...and it seems to have cost him.
Well, I ain't gonna make the same
So I've decided to bring your bag back.
I think the word you're looking for, gentlemen,
Thank you.
Now you've presented me with a problem.
I've lost my employer.
So I've taken care of meself
Now if you think that's unfair,
you come and pay me
But you better be waving a...
...high and clear, so as I can see it.
Or it'll be the last little visit
You understand?
That's all I've come to say.
There is one more thing.
It's been emotional.
We are now officially in the money-lending
You all right, Son?
Put your seat belt on.
We're out of here.
It's empty.
ALL: What's his number?
Don't, don't. You'll jam the line.
My fucking battery.
Oh, you.. . Give me
No, fuck off. I'll dial it.
Just be calm for a minute. All right, shut up and tell
Fuck you. Give me
You'll break it. Just calm down.
Look, you'll break it, and it'll be
Will you shut? It's fucking ringing.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)